i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
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