fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
