I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
