I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Randomize
