He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
