Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
