I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
