I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
So squirting runs in the family.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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