Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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