She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
