I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
