I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
