So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
