Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
