So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
