I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
