don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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