I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
