WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
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Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I am naked and annoyed.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
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