VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
