party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
