Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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