I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
