he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Randomize
