My nipple is on Facebook.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
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