Tell her she can't have a vagina
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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