just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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