My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
