I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
