i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
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my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
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I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
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