remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
