Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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