i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I haven't been this sober since birth.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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