At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
