yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
