So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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