i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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