mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
