I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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