why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Randomize
