My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
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