you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
