I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
