Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Randomize
