so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
