I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
