Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.