I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
