non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
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