to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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