half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
