My hand turned me down
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
