I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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