$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
they need to just BURY HIM!
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
