I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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