I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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