I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
