he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Randomize
